Porn addiction is a 3 fold issue.
1) An inability to stop once a person starts watching pornography.
2) An inability to stop the behavior long term because of an overwhelming desire (urge) to act out. Many times this happens despite a strong desire to stop. And continues despite significant negative consequences.
3) Many times a negative internal issue (anxiety, stress, depression) which the person uses porn to “medicate”.
In short porn addiction is the inability to stop watching or consuming porn despite negative consequences and/or a strong desire to stop.
There are several primary effects:
1) Dopamine deletion in the brain causes increased anxiety, depression and other mood issues. The dopamine receptors in the brain stop working properly and this causes increased need to consume pornography in order produce the euphoric effect.
2) Moderate to severe life consequences such as legal issues, marital/relationship issues and job loss to name a few. Lost time with friends and family. Lost time with children including neglect.
3) Inability to progress in life and work towards personal goals due to the amount of time consuming pornography. Decreased production levels at work due to staying up late at night looking at pornography.
4) Lowered self esteem, guilt, shame and a host of other negative emotions.
1) Establishing a clear list of “bottom line behaviors” that the individual identifies as problematic and compulsive. This can include more than just viewing pornography such as infidelity, soliciting prostitutes for sex, strips clubs, sexting etc. Anything that triggers compulsion and causes disruption in one’s life.
2) Creating a behavioral structure of wellness and accountability designed to help the person stop the porn use and begin healing.
3) Recovery is more than just avoiding pornography. It involves a change in the person or lifestyle. The key to long term abstinence from porn is to “treat” the life issue or the underlying cause of the addiction. Many times this has nothing to do with sex or pornography but rather a reaction to life that is maladaptive. Once this life issue is healed the person finds that it is much easier to abstain from their bottom line behaviors.
The good news is that with the right recovery and treatment, managing the urges can become easy. In fact with the right structure and healing someone who was formerly overwhelmed with the desire to act out finds it easy to refrain. The solution to decreasing the urges is not about finding ways to avoid pornography but rather healing to inner condition that the person uses to pornography to medicate. Once this inner condition is healed the intensity of the urges decrease greatly and staying away from porn becomes much easier.
This is highly subjective, however it is vital to find someone that has not only experience treating people with porn addiction but also understands the nature of addiction itself. Many therapists who misunderstand addiction try to make their client “moderate” or control their behavior. This can set the person up for failure. Having a therapist that can help them decide what behavior is ok and what is not is vital.
It is also important that you feel comfortable working with your therapist so that you are easily able to disclose sensitive facts about your life without worrying about being judged or challenged. A great way to get a sense for your connection with a new therapist is to do a 20-30 minute consultation where you and the therapist get a chance to get to know each other before deciding if it is a good fit. Most therapists will do this for free.
If you’re having a hard time with porn addiction and are thinking about getting support, feel free to contact me below and we can talk about whether porn addiction coaching is the right fit for you.
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