Betrayal Trauma…The Harmful Effects Of Sex Addiction On The Partners
What’s this new thing they call “betrayal trauma”? As I learned about this new approach to helping couples heal from sexual betrayal I cringed at the word “betrayal”. It became instantly obvious to me that this was my own parallel process and the vestiges of the guilt and shame from my own sex addiction and it’s horrific affects on my wife. But as I learned more it became evident to me that this is an accurate description of the pain and abuse that significant others experience when their partners are sexually addicted. Cheating, lying, excessive porn, strip clubs, emotional affairs, more lying, more hiding, gaslighting and a whole host of other emotional abuses accompany what an addict does to perpetuate and to hide the truth about their behavior. This has terrible effects on the partners of sex addicts which is nothing short of abusive and traumatic. Some say the trauma resulting from discovery is second only to losing a child.
For many years we have followed a co-dependant or co-addiction model approach with the spouses, family members and significant others. This approach is common among 12 step groups and in general highlights how the “co-addict“ contributes or supports the addictive system. For the partner this can look like controlling, obsessive and/or erratic behavior, incessant questioning and angry outbursts of blame towards the sex addict. For many years as treatment providers we have essentially made the family feel like they needed help, that they contributed to the addiction and worst of all that “they were crazy too”. This only makes their pain worse and is not at all the right approach because they are they are responding to trauma that was caused by the addict's behavior. And with trauma the sufferers have little control over their symptoms and reactions. Much like the sex addict has little control over their addictive behavior. And what’s more, the partners reaction are 100% justified given the behavior of the addict.
Telling someone who has been cheated on, betrayed and treated badly for many years, who has been lied to over and over, who has been gaslit and made to feel like they are wrong that they are contributing to the addiction or “acting crazy” or “controlling” escalates the trauma response and makes it impossible for them to heal. A better approach is to look at their reactions as a trauma responses or a “normal response” to years of pain. This is much more validating, empathetic and makes healing possible. Normalizing their behavior gives us the opportunity to help them start to heal.
How does this work?
Both the addict and the betrayed partner need to participate in the healing both individually and as a couple. The couple's work should start right away.
Each needs to be educated on betrayal trauma and accept this approach as vital to their recovery as a couple.
Each person needs to learn how to regulate their own responses to each other but also learn how to help each other co-regulate.
The addict has two responsibilities: To his own recovery from sex addiction which includes discontinuation of his compulsive sexual behavior -and- take full responsibility for his actions by applying an empathetic approach to supporting his partner through any and all trauma responses, without gas lighting, getting angry or running away.
An important note: The addict and the betrayed partner are not going to do this well or easily at first. It’s important for both to work on this with a professional who is informed in this approach and for both to go easy on each other when they fall short of empathetic co-regulation.
Need Help?
If you are struggling with sex addiction and want to consider counseling, please feel free to “contact me” below and we can see if sex addiction therapy is right for you.